I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Randomize
