Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
