Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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