Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
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