you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Randomize
