I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
