no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
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