I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Randomize
