I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
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