I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Randomize
