I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
