Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Randomize
