I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Randomize
