Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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