It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Randomize
