It's a beautiful day for a hangover
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
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