just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
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