we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
