Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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