If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
It's shark week go big or go home
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
