He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
