kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
