I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
