Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
