you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize