It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Randomize
