watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
