I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
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