just do it
fine only cuz shes asian
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
Randomize
