I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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