when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize