You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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