Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
