I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Randomize
