I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
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