Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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