The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Randomize
