Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
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