I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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