you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
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driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
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I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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