Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Randomize
