dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Randomize
