it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Randomize
