That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
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It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
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You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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