thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
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