I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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