Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
