Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
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