smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
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