I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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