you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
I smell like Dick and happiness
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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