forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
