made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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