Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Randomize
