oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Randomize
