Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
It's shark week go big or go home
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
