Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
Randomize
