I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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