You're so nebulous sometimes
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
