There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
