I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
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