Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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