Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
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