guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize