I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
